My name is Sean Allen Davidson and the contents of this website are intended to speak solely to the extraordinary woman who can both comprehend and appreciate them in their entirety.

I came into the world on January 12, 1977 with my hair on fire and confusion all around me. My father tried to kill me before I was born by kicking my mother in her stomach repeatedly while in the final trimester of her pregnancy. My mother abandoned me in favor of heroine and alcoholism almost immediately after I was born. My siblings were aborted, my childhood was forfeited and my entire life has been a test of will power, conviction, humility and desire.

My home has been a collection of places that I have occupied for varying periods of time, few at which I felt comfortable, welcomed, or accepted. I have lived more than 10,000 days and nights now and the places and faces of my life have changed so many times that I can hardly bear to remember what all I have had to let go of. I am fatigued from a lack of bodily rest and emotional support to the extent that at times I feel as though I am teetering on the brink of a physical breakdown or even insanity. My eyelids are heavy and my breathing has slowed. My speech is lethargic and my hearing has dimmed. My mind is only functioning at a shadow of its usual capacity and the integrity of my judgment has become increasingly dubious. The harder and farther I fall from normalcy and social acceptability the further I find myself from the refuge, hospitality, mercy and love that has both beckoned and shunned me from my beginning.

My son was diagnosed with cancer in the winter of 2003. I had been sleeping on the floor of an apartment for the previous year and a half while in a terrible spell of depression and denial concerning the disappointments of my marriage and my life in general. I was only twenty-six years of age at the time but I felt as though I was going through something like a mid-life crisis. My son was on a week long trip to Mexico to visit family when he turned blue in the face and just about stopped breathing completely. Initially doctors believed that he may have had pneumonia but within days they discovered a cancerous tumor in his upper torso that was nearly half the size of a basketball. The mass of the tumor was compressing his lungs so that he could no longer breathe on his own and dislodged his heart so that it was beating through the spaces between his ribs, near his left armpit. I was unemployed at the time but a friend was nice enough to purchase a ticket for me to fly to Mexico so that I could be with my son. He was supposedly dying while hundreds of miles away from me and the only thing that I could do were to pray and cry.

I spent the next few weeks of my life at a wonderful little hospital in Mexico where the doctors and nurses where able to turn my son's struggle around for the better. A non-profit organization heard about our situation and decided to make a trip to a nearby airport where they would receive my son by ambulance and fly him back home to Los Angeles, California, United States. My son made it through the flight and I made it through a twenty hour drive, sort of. Upon returning to the states my son was admitted into Children's Hospital Los Angeles where we would reside for the next four months. His mother was given a room to sleep in each night and I was given one only when an extra was available and often had to sleep on furniture wherever I could find it, or on the floor somewhere. When my son was well enough to convince me that if I went back to work it wouldn't likely be the last time that I would see him alive, I did. When he was well enough to leave the hospital on outpatient care, he went to live with other family and I was immediately homeless. For nearly a week I was without shelter. Each night I would get off from work at around eleven at night and have absolutely nowhere to go. I usually stayed up all night with my eyes closed and my ears open in fear of someone lurking around me while I might be sleeping.

For the following three months I lived out of a shelter for the homeless in the city of Los Angeles near the area where I was working at the time. I was officially at the bottom of my life and yet I was far more proud of myself for having taken such a long time getting there than I was disappointed or in awe of having arrived there to begin with. I had never imagined as a child that I could have lived as long as I had at that point, nor that my heart could have experienced so much and somehow survived it all, and yet I had for some specific and preordained reason I am certain. How else could I have made it through so much unless there was a very good reason for me surviving the hardships of my life as I had? My parents had never wanted me and my fellow man had hated me frequently for reasons that were either completely without justification or simply too irrational to fall within the bounds of my discernment. The girl who I had given my heart to previously had been twisting it and tearing at it for years in an attempt to forge some kind of retribution in response to the pain that she had taken from the fallout of our ill-fated union. My family was so seemingly far from me, I had just spent what seemed like an eternity at the bedside of my cancer stricken little boy with no one near to hear my cries for life and reason but the very God who had created such things, and the world by and large had been such a stupefying, disheartening and angst filled phenomenon to me all along. What else could I possibly go through and what else could be taken from me that could in any way make me feel more dejected, desolate, humbled and exhausted than I had already become?

My life was so simple at that time and my ambitions had become so few. The glimpses of intuition that had once only taunted me previously had somewhere along my way evolved with the whole of my experiences to feed the unequivocal metamorphosis of my perspective. The following is a letter that I wrote while at the above mentioned shelter for the homeless.

Letter to Mankind: Abecedarian's Quest for Inseparability

I am of spirit, mind, heart and soul, and I am trapped within the confines of my body. I am lost without a hand or a home to hold onto in a disingenuous and superficial world. I have had no parents or siblings to guide me, side with me, strengthen and redeem me. I have lived more places than I have lived years and I have worked so many different jobs that it all seems to have melted together as one big, disillusioning failure. In my one hand is religious extremism and hypocrisy, in my other is the hopelessness of a circumstantial existence, and between the two I am absolutely exhausted by the continuous senses of rage and rebelliousness that have long since hijacked my underlying sadness. I have a son who is recovering from cancer, a past that has taught me so very many things, and I am currently living out of a shelter for the homeless in the city of Los Angeles.

My name is Son, Brother, Father, Divorcee, Child of God and Sinner. I have fallen from all innocence and I am looking up at you from the bottom of my life. I am searching for the love of my life and there is nothing more that this world can do to prevent me from expressing and extending myself to whatever measure is necessary in order for me to find her. I realize that I am guilty of many of the very same atrocities that have been committed against me by others and there is nothing more that this world can do to remove me from the people of my world. I no longer care about winning or losing in the eyes of anyone outside of myself, or about being judged by others as a person who has succeeded or failed. All I am genuinely able to concern myself with now is the well being of those who I love, my own growth as a soulful and spirited human being, and the extraordinary woman who can naturally brighten the colors at the core of my perception and physical reality.

I am somewhere amid the beginning and the end of my life and I am continuing in my longing for so many things. Twenty-seven years along the path that I set out upon seemingly yesterday and I am still only breathing with what inspiration my thoughts of tomorrow will allow me. The cynicism of our world has stifled my attempts at love and companionship so many times before and my defensiveness is pleading with me to cease from further exploiting and risking harm and humiliation to myself, but I cannot. I am in need of the woman who can help me find satisfaction, attend to the adolescent yearnings of my heart, the heading of my soul, the fullness of my spirit, the racing of my mind, and effortlessly turn my life around for the better by her beauty and virtues.

There are more than 6 billion people living here on Earth and in excess of ten million in Los Angeles County alone, and yet the vast majority of us feel detached, disenfranchised, misunderstood and forsaken. Ocean waters cover more than seventy percent of the Earth and flow in patterns of warm and cold currents that never stop, further confining and consolidating us, and still there are many who will go an entire lifetime without feeling as though we have made an authentic and superlative connection with another human being. I cannot in proof answer the many questions of "Where have we come from?," and/or "What should we be doing with our lives?," but I have certainly determined that I am your equal and I accept you as my own. Our exterior and customary differences pale in comparison to the innumerable truths that we share in, both within us and without.

Our planet Earth is one of at least eight planets that revolve around our sun which is a star. Our sun is only one of an estimated 100-300 billion stars that are in our galaxy and one of approximately 70,000 quintilian stars that are believed to be in our universe. We are such an incredibly diminutive populace in the midst of the infinite time and space that is undeniably surrounding us and yet we have found so many different ways to divide ourselves into subcultures and even further alienate ourselves as individual people. There is a very thin layer of atmosphere above our Earth that separates us from the rest of whatever else is out there and the sun has been placed at just the right distance to provide us with a temperature range that we can survive by. I believe that God has given us this time together for whatever reason and that we should be doing with it the very best that we can.

I am an independent thinker who stands on his own two feet. I believe that all people are both created and perpetually equal. I have little or no regard for monetary wealth, fame, power, or the acceptance of the masses. I have disregarded the common expectations of society in general that I feel are inadequate, undeserving, unreasonable and/or unbefitting my particular talents, insight and character. I have escaped the simplistic abandon and destructiveness of, "an eye for an eye," and the duplicity and expediency that is all too often associated with, "right and wrong." I have fled from the devil through an intuitive reasoning, to an unseen and illogical destination, and I have found the very essence of myself in the falling away of the rest of my world.

I enjoy listening to music by The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Led Zeppelin and just about any good love song. I enjoy watching television shows like The X Files, Mash, Seinfeld, The Simpsons, Cheers, and movies like The Bridges of Madison County, Leaving Las Vegas, The Woman in Red, What Dreams May Come, The Last of the Mohicans, The Fisher King, Soylent Green, The Royal Tenenbaums, Young Frankenstein, The Graduate and Dances with Wolves. I enjoy reading and writing poetry. I believe that The Holy Bible was authored by God and I attempt to live by it. I like to cook and eat often, I love to play basketball and exercise in general and I live to make the people around me happy.

I am dreaming of a true and lasting understanding; an unwavering honesty and trust; an unconditional love; a simple and genuine camaraderie; and the continued evolution of our lives. I am watching for the woman who is bright enough to make her way through the darkness that is between us. I am ready for the woman who is courageous enough to stand up and stand out in a largely conforming world, wear her heart on her sleeve and live her life in a way that she believes would be pleasing to God. I am willing for the woman who is mature enough to perceive and appreciate a man who is refusing to be compromised in his beliefs, who is also wearing his heart on his sleeve, and who is attempting to amend himself and live a life that he believes would be pleasing to the God who has created him.

All I want for you is to be happy and to grow in the various aspects of your being. I do not care what the color of your skin is, or where you have come from, or what you have done with your life before today. I do not care what the other people in your life may ever say about you, including your family and friends. I do not want to change you though I would support you if ever you wanted to change yourself. I am ready to receive you and I am ready to let you go. If you ask me a question I will answer it honestly. If you are tired, uninspired and/or brokenhearted then that would make two of us. If you are lonely, there is no longer a reason for that.

Sprinting to the Light in Spite of the Darkness

It is November of 2004 now and the overbearing darkness and dampering cold of winter have again become the adversaries to my wanting and the reaper of my spirits. The remaining contents of the initial entry to this website have been completed for weeks and even months now with the singular purpose of allowing you to see me for who I truly am. I hadn't however, been able to overcome the deep rooted and long standing prevalence of my own habitual second-guessing and infinite insecurities long enough to put myself "out there" finally, being both too afraid of the possible capriciousness, prejudice, and condemnation of others, and discouraged greatly by the shameful torment of my so many previous inadequacies and iniquities. The brimming enthusiasm and boundless creativity, simplicity, and utter intrepidness that had suddenly become so inseparably entwined within the fabric of my being at the outset of my writing to you has of late begun yielding sharply to an overwhelming theme of defensiveness and self-preservation that I am far too jaded and threadbare presently to contest. And yet, despite my defensiveness and despite my shame; and despite my assiduous weariness and the nefarious continuation and repetition of my long-suffering, sacrifice and pain; and despite the weight and strain of the entire broken life that I have had to endure and the people of our world who have so often attempted desperately to intimidate, suppress, discourage, discredit and confound me without respite; and despite the incredible failures of my yesterday and the terrifying abyss of naivety that is inevitably awaiting us each and all the moment after this one; I have somehow found it within myself to call upon you nonetheless. My love, I need you now.

There is an instinct of dependency that seems to haunt with ever increasing consistency and vigor each year as the weather changes of the winter months and the popular festivities of the holiday season are approaching and then unfurl, this year being without exception to say the least. My eyes and ears are wondering tirelessly for the moment of your arrival. My heart is aching for the beat of your heart to fall next to me. My arms are reaching for you in a dream that I have dreamt from my conception. The monotony of my living is subduing me through indifference but I am endeavoring to remember you and the wonderful times that could be between us. The substandard morality of our age is entrapping me through assimilation but I am aspiring to uphold the love and the law of my God who is within me. It is a week before Christmas and a month before my birthday, and I am faced with the harsh reality once again that I will likely be alone for at least another season. The springtime may indeed await us with half-full glasses and silver linings for as far as the mind's eye can see, but for now I must retreat and take heed of the tide of my affections less I adrift too far askew through my envisioning and potentially lose myself completely.

It is by the will of God that we may or may not find each other ultimately and there is nothing in this or any other world that the billions among us could ever say or do to deprive us of our allowances. The cowardly may imply that I am a fool for approaching you so openly without safeguards or recourse. The cynical may imply that I am a fraud for some reason and that true and unconditional love is a fallacy. The pessimistic may imply that I was once a lesser man and therefore the chances of my sustaining any present signs of maturation are unlikely. The atheistic may imply that my outward regard for God is a ploy to exploit your good nature somehow and that my unscientific belief in God only proves that I am gullible, weak minded, desperate for affection and incapable of becoming motivated by autonomous means. The bigoted may imply that I am wrong for you because our ideals do not precisely correspond. The hypocritical may speak in opposition to me regarding issues that they themselves concur with and cultivate privately but are too afraid, weak, and/or deceitful to profess openly.

The narcissistic, conceited and self-absorbed may speak disparagingly of me without deliberating the unique and incomparable circumstances of my particular life and existence. The sophistic may attempt to impress upon you a negative perception of me through the default of your unknowingness and uncertainty about me. The racist may attempt to reduce me to the color of my body's skin and exclude you from the bounty of my soul. The politically corrupt may slander my character for the appeasement of their often negligent and malevolent agendas. Sensationalists may spin and hype me beyond recognition. The materialistic, gluttonous and commercially brainwashed may despise me for supporting your freedom from the hollow plight of their insidious and momentary intemperance. The philandering may hate me for showing you the true holistic value and exquisiteness of your being. The willfully and compulsively dishonest may say things that are a complete departure from reality. The ignorant in general may say things that are entirely incorrect and in no way apply to either one of us in the least. The covetous may say and do nearly anything to keep us apart from one another and likewise to divide us if we should coalesce, and the devil himself may commit every evil at his disposal against me to divert my attention and impair my effectiveness, but it is far too late for any of that nonsense now.

Redemption for the Boy... Breaking of the Man

The following is a cross section of the pain, misery and fear that has been swimming around in my head for far too long now. If you are offended by any of it I apologize. I have decided to share it with you for many reasons, greatest of which are my desire for you to understand me better and for you to know that you are not alone in the obscurity and anguish of your own adversities. If you can stomach the unpleasant reality of my past and forgive me in your own heart for the suffering that I have caused others before you; and if you can support and forever inspire me to be the very best man that I can possibly be; and if you can accept me for who I am today as well as whoever my heart, soul and conscience may lead me to become tomorrow; and if you can follow me when I am able to lead you and carry me when I am afflicted or lose my way; and if you can believe in me when I am deserving of such and forgive me when I screw things up at times, then I will love you completely for the remainder of this life and for the whole of eternity inasmuch as the God who has created us will allow it.

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